Bakit ganoon? Akala ko kapag nagmahal ako ng wagas, wala ng magiging problema —- ‘yon nakaorder ka na ng unlimited understanding at bottomless patience para sa kaniya, pero hindi pa rin pala sapat; ‘yon bang lahat ng little things na nasasaktan ka kasi ganto / kasi ganiyan, pinalalampas mo na lang at iniintindi kung bakit niya ‘yon ginawa, pero kulang pa rin pala; ‘yon bang minahal mo siya sa paraang alam mo na best na kasi nawalan ka na dati at ayaw mo ng maulit ‘yon sa’yo, pero ‘yon pa pala ‘yong magti-trigger sa kaniya para hingin ‘yong kalayaan niya mula sa’yo; at ‘yon bang inadjust mo na ang standards mo sa lahat ng bagay base sa kung ano at sino siya kasi gusto mo siyang mahalin sa totoong siya pero hindi mali pa rin pala.

Akala ko, ordinaryong araw lang kahapon. Ang plano ko, I’ll stay at home to rest. But someone buzz me around and all of a sudden wanted to talk to me. Galit siya the day before yesterday kasi hindi ako nakapagtext after office hours kasi (1) hindi naman siya nagreply sa last message ko, and (2) emptybat ako at magnovena pa kaya late na napauwi. I slept without him replying on my message asking if he’s mad or what. That night, I know he was mad. Then yesterday, he was not just mad but rather too mad na…na parang ang laki na kaagad ng kasalanan ko. I just missed one (1) text message na hindi ko naman sinadyang hindi siya itext samantalang siya, kahit three or four days or one week na walang kahit anong text, kahit minsan wala siyang narinig na kahit ano sa akin. On that very moment, I felt na ako na naman ang dapat umunawa. Kasi fine, I’m on a postpaid line so I have no reason not to text him (despite na Smart siya at Globe sub ako ah) and he is on prepaid so kapag hindi siya nagtetext, wala siyang load. Pero nakalimutan niya yata na kahit postpaid line ako, nae-emptybat rin naman phone ko. So on that moment na gusto niyang makipag-usap, alam ko na kung saan papunta ‘to. We’ll meet daw by 3:00 pm sa Robinsons. I readied may self, 1:30 pm pa lang kasi hindi na rin ako mapakali. Nag-internalize ako and realized things.

Honestly, when our relationship became a roller coaster ride, alam ko anytime, may malalaglag na sa amin or kung hindi man malaglag, pagod na kakasakay sa roller coaster at gusto ng bumaba. I prepared myself for this naman pero iba pa rin pag parating at andiyan na. Masakit pa rin to the extent na parang hindi ka man lang naghanda or kung naghanda ka man ng armor made of steel and shield made of iron para hindi ka ganoon masaktan, feeling mo, naka short at sando ka lang noong araw na ‘yon kaya ramdam na ramdam mo ‘yong sakit.

I’ve reached Rob like 2:00 pm and I really don’t know where would I go or what will I do. Umikot na lang ako ng umikot na lipad ang isip. Siguro, anim (6) na beses ko yatang nalibot ang buong Rob. Lakad lang ako ng lakad pero hindi ko talaga alam saan ako pupunta.

Kung anu-ano sumasagi sa isip ko. Happy and, yes, sad memories as well. My brain was overloaded by what ifs, hows, sighs, and maybes. Syempre, panghihinayang, and  pains. Then, I’ve decided to text my lifetime mentor and my one of a kind friend, Bru. Hindi ‘yan pala-hawak ng phone niya at dekada rin magreply, pero ewan ko ba seconds ko pa lang natetext siya na kung ano ang possibleng mangyari by 3:00pm that day, ayon, tumatawag na.

“Bru, I think, I cannot let him go. It’s too painful”

“Sasakalin kita dyan Ana Karmela eh! Ilang taon ka na nga?”

“Huh? I’m 23.”

“Eh ilang taon na kayo?”

“Almost 11 months Bru.”

“Okay. Nakasurvive ka ng 22 years na wala siya, anong can’t let go sasabi mo diyan! 11 months vs the rest of your life, anong mas lamang? You can do that.  I got your back.”

“….”

“Kaya mo ‘yan. May hindi ba kaya si Ana Karmela.”

“I know. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

“YOU SHOULD BE. and you will be”

“Thanks, Bru.”

 

Then 3:00 pm came………….

 

 

 

 

…at wala pa siya. May inaayos pa raw sa SM.

Okay, waiting moments…

Until he texted and sa SM na raw kami mag-usap kasi hindi pa siya tapos. Okay.  Time check, 3:30 pm. When I arrived at SM, pinagala niya muna ‘ko but I decided to stay somewhere since my feet hurts na kakalakad. Too bad, masyadong maraming tao sa SM kasi may job fair and holiday.

He attend to me like past 4:15 pm na. Sa isip-isip ko, makikipagbreak na nga lang, late pa. But yes, I understand na may ginawa pa siya. But can he do that after we talked or kailangan priority pa rin niya ang iba before ako? Oh well…

And because of the crowded mall, he suggested na sa Mcdo na lang kami mag-usap, malapit sa amin. Okay. Balik ulit malapit sa Rob. So ganoon nga ang nangyari.

When we finally, sat down, ang tahimik. Until he broke the silence with,’Nahihirapan ka na ba?’.

“Ako ba ang nahihirapan o ikaw?”

*silence*

Him:”Hindi ako deserving sa’yo”

Me: “Why is that?”

*silence*

Him: “Itigil na natin ‘to”

Me: “Why?”

*silence*

*he makes a gesture of leaving*

Me: “Bigyan mo muna ‘ko ng reason kung bakit gusto mo itigil ‘to. Hindi ba na-chat mo na sa FB? I-rereiterate mo lang personally, bakit hindi mo masabi?”

*silence*

Me: “Ano na?”

*silence*

Him: “Ang hirap”

Me: “Wala naman kasing madaling paraan para makipag-break. Sabihin mo lang sa akin ngayon na ayaw mo na, sigi kahit wala ka ng ibigay na reason, okay na.”

*silence*

Me: “Mr. G********, sumagot ka. Oo or hindi lang….ayaw mo na ba?”

*silence*

Me: “*****, ano na??? Sige, kahit tumango o umiling ka na lang … ayaw mo na ba?”

*silence*

Him: “Tara na.”

Me: “Ayaw mo na”

Him: “Oo, ayoko na.”

Me: “Okay. Iloveyou…so much.”

*I walked out*

 

11 months dapat kami sa May 5. And yes, he broke up with me yesterday. It was painful. It was too painful to be exact. I cried alot, drink alot too (nagsusuka pa rin ako habang tinatype to.LOL).

Ayon.

Kung may natutunan man ako over crying kay Mother Perps, drinking with Sir Ryan and Ma’am Angie, and internalizing, ito ‘yong mga yon:

1. Kailangan ‘yong guy yong nagdadala sa relationship n’yo. Kasi pag ikaw, nasasagasaan ang ego niya kahit wala ka naman talagang balak sagasaan ‘yon at ang intention mo lang naman ay to take over on the responsibility na hindi niya ginagawa para may magdadala sa relationship nyo. Kung hindi niya dadalhin at hindi mo rin dadalhin, pa’no magwowork, di ba?

2. Maturity is important. We are all growing old. We are too old for those cat fights lang. But if incase magalit siya over little things, give way and understand or else, magca-clash kayo at lalaki ang issue. Tingin ko rin, dapat mas mature ang guy over you para pa rin do’n sa pagdadala ng relationship.

3. You and his interests are very much important — na dapat kahit paano, you have similar interests. Kung hindi talaga similar, atleast you and him will be passionate and very much willing to try each others interest. Hindi ‘yong dahil hindi niya talaga gusto / baduy para sa kaniya, kahit once ay hindi man lang siya nag-try gawin para sa’yo.

4. Trust. Big word. Yes, but it is the most important supporter of your love for each other.

5. Effort effort din pag may time. Kailangan, never stop dating para hindi mawala ‘yong spark sa isa’t isa.

6. Kapag medyo nagtampo ‘yong isa, maglambing at manuyo. Admit if it’s your fault. Hindi ‘yong galit ka rin pag galit siya. Walang mangyayari ‘pag ganoon. Ibaba ang pride.

7. Care too much, you’ll hurt the person; care to little, you’ll lose the person.

8. Magmahal ka fully pero magtira para sa sarili. Kasi, hindi ka pa naman sure kung siya talaga. Tanggapin na hangga’t hindi pa kayo kasal, marami pang pagdadaanan.

9. If the person will be happier and better off without you, be brave enough to let go.

Ayon. Basta, ‘yan na ‘yan.

PS: My apologies to my readers/followers kasi sunod sunod na po post ko about sa kaniya. Pero promise po, last na ‘to. Gusto ko lang po ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Kaya pagbigyan niya. Salamat po.

PS ulit: Dear Boo, Hindi ko alam kung bakit iniisip mo na hindi ka deserving para sa akin because for me, you always deserve the best from me. All of me loves all of you, despite everything. Your imperfection makes you the most perfect man for me. And I want you to know that I didn’t regret any single day that I’d loved you. Thank you for making me happier for these 11 months. But yes, I’ll be fine. Hope, you too. And for just for one last time, let me say that I love you…so much, My Boo.

 

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